Of course I had to stop what I was doing and immediately start looking through the pages. It's amazing how quickly you can be transported back to a different time, and a different version of yourself. I couldn't resist reading parts out loud to Chris, laughing until I cried at private jokes only I could possibly get.
One thing stood out to me though, as I looked through the box. While I had a dozen or so different diaries in the box, they all had one thing in common. All of them were written in for a weeks, sometimes days, then left blank. I started them with enthusiasm, even writing messages to my future self, and then abruptly stopped. I couldn't help wondering why.
Then I realized my 34 year old self had done the same thing with a blog that the 13 year old girl did with her diaries. It's been more than a month since I wrote on this blog and that's not ok with me. Today I sat down and forced myself to think about why this pattern was repeating itself, and why I had been putting off writing again. I started thinking about an article I read in May's O Magazine titled "Hope Springs Eternal" by Robin Romm. She ended the article with "There would be new fresh starts. There would be new hopes."
So here's what I figured out today...When the initial excitement of starting a blog, or a new teenage diary, wears off what you're left with is the actual look inside. You're writing down your feelings and thoughts and it's more real. When I would get to the point where this honesty became uncomfortable I'd make excuses to put off writing. Too busy with getting the house ready to sell. No one will read it anyway so it doesn't matter. I'll do it tomorrow. After time goes by it's easier to start a new diary, or blog, than it is to pick-up where you left off.
Fresh starts don't have to be all or nothing, a one-shot deal. You can fall down, as I did with writing, and get back up. Here's to breaking the cycle of my 13 year old self and finally keeping a diary, because this version of me has lots left to say.
